Friday, December 30, 2016

Imposed Silence

Stream of Consciousness Writing 12/30/2016

by Lynne M. Colombe

What do you do when your pen
has been quiet for too long;
When you let someone steal your thoughts
     and force you to abandon your feelings
     onto unmarked library catalog cards
all in the wrong drawers
overfilled and unorganized?
- Obsolete

When you can't sing; but you know the song
and want to
The sheet music slides through your fingers
and blows away.
Chasing it, you catch it;
     only to unearth that
it was blank and the lyrics are
     a scribble about a memory
That nobody but you
     can understand.

Its the chapter you read,
in a book you ignored
     too long;
reading the same paragraph
     over and over
making sense nowise;
     but you keep reading -
Absorbing nothing at all.

The conversation that stalled before
anything was said at all;
     fear upholding
the lock of words behind my mouth -
     ideas and thoughts confined
behind clenched teeth and fists -
Fighting to be free.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

#NoDAPL Stop the Dakota Access Pipeline

#NoDAPL  #NoDakotaAccess #Stand4StandingRock

Stand for Standing Rock
By Lynne Colombe

Mitakuyapi, le miye ZiZiWin.  Hello my relatives, I am Yellow Woman.  I have never used that name, "Yellow Woman," in writing.  It was a name that my great-grandmother, Carrie Roubideaux-Bordeaux, gave to me because I did not have "an Indian name."  She gave me her name because I am an identical twin; and I was born jaundiced.  And, because that was her name, so she gave it to me.

There was no ceremony, no feather placed in my hair, no kiss upon my forehead.  My great-grandmother and great-grandfather on my mother's side were the only grandparents on that side I would ever really know.  My maternal grandmother passed away when my mother was only 15 years old; and my material grandfather lived out of state and had a different family.

I think of my childhood as "peculiar" in many ways.  First, because I am 1/2 White and live on an Indian Reservation; and secondly, because I am 1/2 Indian living in one of the most racist and discriminatory places in the United States that you could live.  I know this; because I have lived elsewhere, and no place like Wal-Mart in Pierre, South Dakota can ever let me forget... that my skin is a shade darker than theirs.

I didn't want to forget that I was Sicangu Lakota, but as a young kid I wanted to "get the hell out of South Dakota and go live somewhere a million miles away;" so I have lived in Colombia South America, just to make sure and get as far away at least once in life.  I came back.  I have lived a number of years in Tucson, Arizona.  I came back.

When you are from "the Rez," you will always, "come back," or "go home," or "Come down there" (even when you live South and are travelling North).  When you are from the Rez, you usually return to the Rez often; because its like being Amish (but they let you come home)... For both cultures, your way of life is there, only your religion is there, and only your family is there.  It is pretty homogenous and easy to see how you would want to return from time-to-time and remind yourself why you are so distinct from others in the Pan-USA; but so very much the same as everyone in the small town you return to.

So, I've been home here in the Rosebud for three years.... THREE YEARS (OMG)!  I have not lived on this Reservation for 3 years straight since I was 21 years old.  I used to do like 10 months of a teaching year and BOUNCE!  But, with my father getting older, my baby sister recently passing (with my nephew in her arms), and having been given a house here by my father.... well, here I am. 

I decided last Spring to try to do something different with my life.  Then, my little sister passed away, so a whole month went by in a blurr until BOOM!  Pipeline.  Camp.  Oh! My Tribe!  They were going to Cannonball, ND!

So, I jumped into the "Fight for the Water," because I had willing hands and an open mind.  The water that I want to help save is the Missouri River; because it flows in or out of every natural standing watershed, river, stream, dam, lake, etc on our Reservation.  I cannot begin to imagine the devastation to our people if our waters are polluted.  Our people eat the fish they catch, the deer they shoot, and the birds they hunt.  These animals eat and drink from the water.  There is NO WAY our people can be subjected to those toxins in our soil and water.  Most of the cows in America drink from the Missouri tributaries as well, so if you eat beef, you are going to eat tar sands if the Dakota Access Pipeline is allowed to drill into the Missouri River Basin and flood plains.  All we have to do is search on the Internet "Canada" "First Nations" & "Tar Sands" to see our future if we let Dirty Tar Sands Pipeline through our lands - ANY of our lands! 

PLEASE REMEMBER - You cannot drink oil.  There is no by-product from tar sands oil except TOXINS.  It takes too much water to filter the toxins and there is no where for poisoned water to go.  Please!  Keep our generations alive!  Keep us cancer free!  Save our WATER!  #uncimaka  #BigSiouxB4BigOil

Donate, Share, & Vote Against Tar Sands Oil 

Contribute to our Fight for the Water!

Friday, July 8, 2016

So I know

     Say my name.
So I know, Mommy,
     That you remember 

           little me

           Who was - 
           Who almost was -
     Still here.

     Just love me
So I know, Daddy,
     That you didn't forget

           about your baby

           Who died -
           Who has sisters -
     Still here.

Friday, January 8, 2016

New Novel Excerpt (Unassigned dialogue in new novel, Interviews with a Half-Breed Baby Killer)

Copyright Lynne M. Colombe
January 2016

Warning:  Explicit Content/Mature Audiences Only

From an Interview with "Biggie," from my new novel, Interviews with a Half-Breed Baby Killer

ME:  Biggie, you don’t know how it is.  It sucks, I mean my parents put so much pressure on me.  Being Native, and trying to get my degree –

BIGGIE:  Pressure, what pressure?  To fucking do something with your life?  Screw you, hey, coming up here to the federal penitentiary women’s camp telling me YOUR PROBLEMS?  Holy shit, were you born stupid or some shit?  I’m in here for LIFE!  This ain’t no damn Girl Scout Camp, this is some real shit!  So, take your cookie cutter bullshit problems and call Diane Sawyer okay?  Tell that bitch, because she’s the only one who cares about your “Hidden America,” bullshit. 

ME:  Biggie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.

BIGGIE:  It’s alright, but you got to understand that we ain’t kids no more and it ain’t like we are equals or some shit.  You are a civilian, I am a convicted killer.  So don’t come in here with your pasty ass talking about what your life is like, or how something out there bothers you.  This is to talk about my life, my shit, and what happens to me behind these concrete walls.  And you are here to listen, record that, and scribble this shit all down later so I can read it, okay?  Because maybe, ‘Cuz, you will end up helping me.

ME:  I can see that.  I will share things with you as I get them transcribed.

BIGGIE:  You better, too.  Let me paint myself out to be who I am, and hold on to your paintbrushes, because you ain’t heard shit yet.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Platte SD House Fire - Native Response

South Dakota... Great Faces, Great Places?

I can't understand how I came to be brown.  I was just born this way.  But since I have never been able to live a day in South Dakota without a reminder of the fact I am brown, despite how green my money is, despite how established I or my family am/are, despite all I have ever been or will become... I am brown.

Since I am brown, a Native American, and since I am so very aware of my own skin, I have really failed to come to any understanding of life in South Dakota; as well as the way people see it from the outside looking in; from the non-Native world to the Native, and from the large city to the dusty communities we call home.

News in South Dakota is basically where Natives are unseen, unless there is burglary, robbery, or murder; or perhaps in the section in our local newspaper called, "From Federal Court."

When Native American issues do hit the news, the news is overlooked.  When learning about a murder-suicide where a man managed a company that is under fiscal scrutiny because of mismanagement of funds intended for South Dakota's Native American youth, the entire thing is glazed over with talk about anything but the fact that Native people have been stolen from again!  And, under the fiscal oversight of the SD Department of Education!

No big deal?  Here was my response to other people's response, which was all about gun control:

I cannot/will not join the gun debate here, but let me just say that most of you are missing the point! But since 96% of those who have commented are totally off topic, let me try this…
How different would this conversation be if the headline had read that a husband murdered his children and wife, then committed suicide because his company was refused the Girl Scout Cookie contract because of problems with the audit where his company may have paid non-Girl Scout members to do Girl Scout business, clearly defrauding the Girl Scouts? I think the response would be, “What really happened here? Who are these people who worked for a company that ripped off the Girl Scouts?”
But no, sadly, its just about some Indian Education program the SD State Dept. of Ed. is the fiscal oversight for; also a program where some hundred children attend a summer program with at the SD School of Mines and Technology every summer. And this involves a contract non-renewed to a person writing the checks and overseeing the fiscal management of a company who conclusively may have defrauded the Native American students for which the federal funds were intended? I don’t think I am Sherlock Holmes here for thinking we have a “fall guy” (no longer) in our midst who took a violent way out and his family with him (if he indeed, did inflict his own wound.)

Sadly, the only response of this in SD and in the “mid-central” area will be the issue of gun control… I do, however, think Craig may have gotten the point.

I haven't blogged in awhile.  I can't wrap my head around this... You can read more by reading the articles here:

Here the man is glorified...

And the most truthful article:

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Wi and Hanwin: The Sun and the Moon

Wi & Hanwin

"The Sun and the Moon"


From the beginning of time, there has been a jealousy among Lakota people.  Because of the wife of Tate, the Wind; the Sun (Wi) and the Moon (Hanwin) began to have separate times in light and darkness.  At the base, it was envy that separated day from night.

It is hard to continue as a Nation, as Oyate, when people have no higher power, and when there is a constant exaggeration of free will, such as with the Supreme Beings in the literal, "beginning of time." 

I implore, "Who is our higher power?  What will it take to solve these generation old problems?" 


What is truly possible when people cannot be happy for anyone else?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Letter of Gratitude #1

Toward the end of this day, I am reminded of how precious life is.  I know this to be true.  As a Sicangu woman who lives and breathes among the others in my Tribe, among all ages, all day long; I see the struggle.  I hear the struggle; and I know the struggle.  There is no other struggle than that to survive.  And in my observation, since 2005, things have drastically changed around the world for all people, who became included in the survival struggle, who perhaps had not been included in the struggle before.

My life is real to me (a type of concrete realness like concrete is), and in the acknowledgement of the value of human life and co-existence, I have made a choice to create 7 letters of gratitude for 7 days to people in my life whom have made tremendous contributions.

Day 1, Letter 1

Dear Elza Jean,

My first letter of gratitude is to you, sweet child, on this eve that I am recanting my learning about the preciousness of human life.  Thank you for coming into my life; into my world; and blessing me with knowing you.  Your presence in my life has taught me that for my own life, God is in control.  He took from me what I had wanted most, and that was you.  I was angry with Him.  I was devastated.   Yet, from the beginning, I had said that all I wanted was for the day to come when I would look back at your birth and be happy.  That day came long ago.

I owe you my gratitude for touching my heart in a way that cannot be replicated, by anyone.  The brief moments that I could hold you were moments that I still treasure physically, in my own way, at the oddest of times.  Thank you for being in my life.


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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Power vs. Leadership on the Reservation

Moving home to the Rosebud in July 2013 has brought so much of what I have learned about leadership to fruition.  My experiences have largely been working and living off-reservation for the past 16 years, with a couple of years mixed in on-reservation as well.

Some issues are the same, including the prevalent fear that many on the reservation have of returning Urban Indians like myself.  My assumption is that with outside education and experience, we bring about some type of "invisible threat" to the institutions and establishments on the reservation.  This breeds itself into rejection in many ways, shapes, and forms.  For example, I am very interested to find out soon if I will make it onto the Tribal Education Committee.  I applied two weeks ago.  Clearly, I am qualified to serve in a leadership role in my Tribe, with a bachelors and masters in education, teaching experience, and over twenty years of experience in the education field.  However, with all of the knowledge and experience behind me, I anticipate rejection and not being selected.

This brings to light the issue of power.  Power on the reservation is in the name of power.  It has no other precedent except status quo.  Status quo is maintained by whomever can remain the quietest and support the popular view, however much detriment it may bring to the people.  It runs quite the opposite of off-reservation life.  Off the reservation, a community is empowered by strong people who have a good background and much to offer in the field of education.  The community is strengthened by people with applicable experience; people who have walked the walk and talked the talk, and who have proven themselves to be good leaders outside of his/her own peer group or familiar group.

Power is for power's sake.  It is for the introduction of "I am the Director of ______."  Or, "I am the President of _________."  Micromanagement and asserting one's chest out full of the ability to chastise, berate, and criticize is often the mode of business.  It is a system full of power for the sake of being powerful.

All would be well, IF the children in our community had high school and college retention rates as high as those in successful communities.  It would be well if the balance of power were teaching students what they needed to know to be successful in a four year college education.  If the system of power for power's sake worked, we would be working, instead of hiding behind an unemployment rate of over 70-80 percent.  Our people would have money outside of the few days per month they are able to buy things that they needed for their families and homes.  Power for power's sake is power in a vacuum.

Leadership is lacking.  Leadership is what leads a people out of despair, out of poverty, and out of cultural disintegration.  Leadership is what people do who don't desire power, but who use the power they have for the good of a common goal, and work hard to equalize the world they live in for the constituents they represent.  It is not the idea of taking credit and leading with full charge of "don't question me" power.  It is as Nelson Mandela defines a leader... Someone who leads from behind and allows others to take credit for things they have done if necessary.  Leadership is taking the front line in the face of danger only, to shield people from the rampant abuse of power that lead to the problems that oppressed and impoverished a society of people for generations.

It is a somber moment to sit and reflect on the imbalance of power on the reservation.  It is a sad feeling to see the people who suffer, and those who go without.  It is hard to imagine a reservation beyond the statistics when power is power, and any challenge to the status quo is unpopular.

However, the last time that I checked, popularity might win an election, but it doesn't change failing systems, failing economies, or an oppressed and impoverished group of people.

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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Ted's Sweat

The dirt beneath him felt cool; the air stifling hot. Ted was close to the rocks, and he held a towel over his face as the burning sensation intensified. He prayed hard, and at one point wanted to panic. For some reason, the thought of the Sedona Sweat Lodge tragedy came into his thinking, and he felt the ground with one hand; the other hand firmly clasped the towel to his nose and mouth. He had balled up some sage, and placed it in the towel, so he breathed in its scent and tried to keep from over thinking his physical state through the prayers he ran in isolation through his mind. The singing was going on still, and he almost felt like putting his head down on the ground near the back of the sweatlodge, lifting the flap, and taking a deep breath of cool air. He did not.

“You will be okay. Nothing can hurt you here,” spiritual guidance told him.

Ted prayed harder, deep in the recesses of his own mind the many issues and reasons that had brought him to sweat on this day flowed forward as he heard the sound of water hit the hot rocks. He rocked back and forth, captivated, and repeated good words in his mind. Time was irrelevant, unimportant. He relaxed and didn’t feel like suffocating anymore.

Feeling a cool breeze, he stopped rocking and took the towel off his head. Opening his eyes, he saw that the flap had opened, and that he had been sitting there in prayer even after the singing had stopped, the round was over, and the cool air had been available to breathe. He didn’t know how long he was sitting in his trance, but figured it was only momentary.

Ted expected people to laugh at him, but nobody did. They were looking at him with a silent amusement, but in a good way. He laughed at himself and the other men smiled at him. He had no time to feel self-conscious, because soon the flap closed again. Round four of the sweat began.

The demons of his contemporary life burned off of his skin during the next round, and he knew this; for as he left the sweatlodge, his skin was hit with a cool breeze, and though he was still gleaming with sweat, he shivered suddenly. The tears and hardships were evaporating. He was cleansed. He prayed that his sins would be lesser before he returned to the earth again.

Monday, July 15, 2013

In Memory of My Angel

My Lakota Angel Girl

Thoughts of the rippling pain,
that brought you into this world,
does no justice --
cannot compare --
to living without
my Lakota angel girl.

Sole survivor am I,
to the memory of holding you,
through the tears --
I let you go --
into the ground
sad, sad moments few.

Once I dreamt of you,
and I held your tiny hand,
o'er a bridge --
into the light --
I sensed your need
to have your mother again.

Our relatives keep an angel,
we stranded on earth just couldn't do,
ne'er goodbye --
only silent cries --
held inside my chest
where I fore'er hold you.

In memory of Elza Jean, my daughter, born/reborn on July 16, 2005

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